Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
