Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
