I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well I just put wine in my tea
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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