Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
