He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
