I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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