Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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