i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
