I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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