captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
