i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
