My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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