i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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