You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
