Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
