If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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