You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
