She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
