too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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