ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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