I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
