Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
