our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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