I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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