a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hippo gnu deer
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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