Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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