I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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