it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
