we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
