I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
