Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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