The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
