guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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