yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
