What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
