it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
