Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
