It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
