Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
