last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
