just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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