Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
