I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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