do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
