my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
