You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I lost the right to judge tonight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
