so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
