Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you mean i was at the winter classic?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
