with your own penis?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
