Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
